“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Every work meeting this week
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”