FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor