I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Personal question. #JustSaying
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Tremendous stuff
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.