Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
😅🤣😂
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21