Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.