The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.