*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You Might Also Like
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.