It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.