I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol