Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m sorry…what?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.