They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.