I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Breaking news:
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school