[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.