If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
You Might Also Like
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.