Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now