Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.