Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
pelicons
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now