why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.