My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”