You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”