If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”