I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.