The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
For anyone who needs this today
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Did…did a minotaur write this
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.