When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces