Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.