Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
We found love in a hopeless place.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Finished stitching this today 😇
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*