Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”