I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.