If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
You Might Also Like
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.