I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
You Might Also Like
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.