“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.