5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics