I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators