Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂