And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!