Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I finally found a reason to live again.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.