“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
In Canada they just call them geese
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Siri, fight Alexa.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?