Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.