Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?