I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.