“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
is this how new cars are made??
He just like my cat fr
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
No, YOUR illiterate.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale