I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I didn’t come here to be called names
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”