My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.