INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The options really are this bad
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.