me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.