Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive