‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*