Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.