Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.