No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Never be a pizza!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.